Leaving Read online

  Hanuš And what has this got to do with you?

  Victor He’s made me his advisor. But that may not be his last word. The position of deputy has opened up. The new leadership has a rather good plan. It wants to substantially lower the tax burden and at the same time increase some government services. In many ways, it’s picking up where you left off. For example, it wants to put the individual at the centre of its politics.

  Rieger Is Klein going to live here?

  Victor He’s quite happy where he is and doesn’t want to move. He wants to use this place to start up some business ventures.

  A horse whinnies offstage, then a chainsaw and a falling tree can be heard. A pause. Klein slowly comes on stage.

  So – I’ve tried to speed up work in the orchard, Mr Vice-Prime Minister.

  Klein Thank you, Victor. You’re a pleasure to work with. Greetings to you all. Hi, Vilem – hi, Irena.

  Rieger Greetings, Patrick. So – congratulations.

  Klein takes a cup of tea, sips from it and takes a bite of a biscuit.

  Klein I’m so sorry you have to go and live in some village. But I couldn’t put this construction work off any longer. You’ll only be a hundred versts away. Have you been to look at it? Is the countryside pretty? Will there be room enough for all of you? I see the carriage is already waiting.

  Rieger I’d prefer that we went to Gerard’s. He’s one of our family acquaintances. He’s got a lovely house, right here in town.

  Klein Is he the one from Smith, Brown, Stapleton, Bronstein and Stoessinger, Inc.? I’m not certain, but I have the impression that he’s about to land in a spot of trouble. I hear there was some funny business to do with real estate deals, tax evasion, that sort of thing. Gambacci gave me a rundown just this morning.

  Rieger Gambacci? The one charged with having sex with animals?

  Klein They never proved it. Now he’s Chief of Police. May I tell you something of my plans for this place?

  Rieger I’m sorry, Patrick, but are you even aware that they interrogated me all night long?

  Klein Gambacci’s people?

  Rieger Probably. Certainly. Yes, they probably were.

  Klein May I share some of my plans for this place with you?

  Rieger I’m sorry, Patrick, but doesn’t it seem a little odd to you that they came for me just yesterday evening?

  Irena And then today, all those smears appeared in The Keyhole?

  Klein I’ll ask General Gambacci about it tomorrow.

  Rieger Don’t tell me that … person – is a general!

  Klein We had to give him a rank appropriate to his station, otherwise he wouldn’t have the proper authority, after that business with the young heifers. May I share with you some of my plans for this place?

  Victor Mr Vice-Prime Minister, I think that everyone will find it most interesting. You’ve worked it all out in such exquisite detail!

  Klein Here, where this unprofitable orchard now stands, we are going to build a moderately large social and commercial centre. It will have three cinemas, five stores, a massage parlour, a hairdresser’s, a boutique, the editorial offices of The Keyhole, a butcher’s shop, a petrol station, a dance hall, a tattoo clinic, a cinema, an antique store, a butcher’s shop, and oh, did I mention the editorial offices of The Keyhole? And three restaurants, including a Thai establishment. Over there, in the coach house, there will be a casino. Casinos are simply part and parcel of the times we live in, aren’t they, Victor?

  Victor They are, absolutely.

  Klein I have the right person to look after the billiard room. His name is Yepichodov. And finally, over here, in the villa, there will be a modern erotic entertainment club. The point is to fill the entire area with life, all the time. And if, during the day, the public is preoccupied with shopping in the mall, then by evening this pretty villa will grasp the baton in the relay race of life. Of course we’ll have to adapt it a little. In all this, I rely on the principle of ‘less government’. Which is I why I intend to license the erotic entertainment club to a friend of mine who has no political axe whatever to grind; he’s a private entrepreneur who’s long had the very best credentials in this field, and he’s had loads of experience in many different countries. Hundreds of young Ukrainian women owe their all to him.

  Rieger Are you referring to Gambacci’s uncle?

  Klein (shouting angrily) It’s nobody’s business whose uncle he is!

  The Voice Do you think you could do that line with a little more civility?

  Klein It’s nobody’s business whose uncle he is.

  A horse whinnies offstage, the sound of a chainsaw and a falling tree. A pause.

  And what will you do now? Anything in the pipeline?

  Rieger You know how hard it is. I’ve given my whole life to politics.

  Klein I might have an idea. How would you like to be an advisor to my advisor, Victor?

  Rieger An advisor?

  Klein Yes indeed.

  Rieger To your advisor?

  Klein Yes indeed.

  Rieger In other words, do I want to be an advisor to the former secretary of my former secretary?

  Klein Well, when all is said and done, you understand how politics works and, since you’ve given your whole life to it, it would be a great pity if all that experience went to waste. Perhaps if you’d been more co-operative you might be higher up the ladder today, but on the other hand, it’s still better than forking manure and living in shame for the rest of your life just because of some intimate little piece of filth you wrote fifteen years ago, and which The Keyhole is now about to print. You must know that the Intergovernmental Historical Commission – which is chaired by young Miss Gambacci – is as leaky as a sieve. So – will you take the job?

  Irena He’s not taking it.

  Klein As you make your bed, so you lie on it. Might I ask you, Monika, what you’re doing tomorrow evening? We might go out to dinner. I know a marvellous Chinese restaurant where they say the Prince of Bahrain himself once dined. You’d be my guest – and I’d pay for everything, the food, the drink, the food.

  Monika I’m sorry, Mr Vice-Prime Minister, but by tomorrow evening I’ll be in Paris. Jack Lang is expecting me after eight at the Deux Magots, isn’t he, Irena?

  Irena I had to twist her arm, but Jack Lang isn’t one to take no for an answer. He’s always had a soft spot for Monikas.

  Grandma Are you going with her?

  Irena Do you think I could just walk away from Vilem at a time like this? What would he do without me? I’m sure he doesn’t even know where the clothes pegs are. (To Rieger.) Bumblebees?

  Klein Well, Monika, you go right ahead and have a good time in Paris. I trust your passport is in order.

  Klein laughs for a long time. Offstage, the sound of a chainsaw and a tree falling.

  (To Rieger.) So what’s it going to be?

  Rieger I’ll have to think it over.

  Irena What in heaven’s name is there to think over?

  Klein What in heaven’s name is there to think over?

  Hanuš What in heaven’s name is there to think over?

  Rieger That’s easy enough for you to say, Hanuš. You don’t have a family. We can’t expect Albín to support us all, can we?

  Victor They’re here!

  Irena (to Grandma) Could you look after the carriage?

  Victor hurries out to meet Dick and Bob, who are just arriving. Grandma exits. Klein sits on the swing. Victor takes the plate of biscuits, goes over to Klein, gives him a little push and, at the same time, offers him the biscuits. Klein will go on eating them as long as he’s swinging. Hanuš approaches Rieger.

  Hanuš (quietly) Do you think it was wise to sign that statement?

  Rieger (quietly) Leave me alone, you pathetic little –

  Dick takes a scruffy piece of paper from his pocket and studies it. Bob takes pictures.

  Hanuš (to Dick) That was a rotten thing you did with that interview.

  Bob We had nothing to do
with it. It was edited by our new art director slash manager, Mr Gambacci Jr, and our new public relations consultant, Madame Gambacci Sr.

  Dick (reading from his piece of paper) Good afternoon, Mr Vice-Prime Minister. Our readers would like to know if the new leadership will be taking up where the former Chancellor left off.

  Klein We have every intention, in the immediate future, of carrying on with everything worthwhile in the preceding period, and at the same time, ridding ourselves of everything that was bad about the preceding period. Have I made myself clear?

  Victor Very nicely put.

  Dick (reading) And what is the main thrust of your policies?

  Klein The government is here to serve the citizen; the citizen is not here to serve the government. We want this country to be a secure place for free, well-educated individuals. And not only for them, but for their families as well.

  Victor Bravo! Now you’ve really given your enemies what for, Mr Vice-Prime Minister!

  Klein Didn’t I now, Victor? I think I’m in grand form today. I’ve really set their heads spinning.

  Dick examines both sides of his piece of paper. A horse whinnies offstage. Oswald enters from the villa.

  Irena Have you brought all the laundry in from the orchard, Oswald?

  Oswald It’s in the suitcase.

  Irena I hope you didn’t put it away damp, did you?

  Oswald No. I don’t think so. Certainly not, I think.

  Oswald starts arranging all the luggage into a single neat pile. Hanuš adds to it the bust of Gandhi and the portrait. Dick meanwhile has found another shabby piece of paper in another pocket. He turns to Rieger.

  Dick May I ask you a question as well?

  Rieger Go ahead.

  Dick (reading) Is it true that your long-time companion, the former make-up artist, Irena, has left you and that you have a new mistress, a graduate student?

  Rieger I’m sorry, but I’m not going to respond to that.

  Dick (reading) And could you comment on why you’re not going to respond?

  Rieger No, I could not.

  Dick (reading) And could you tell us why you’re not going to comment on why you’re not going to respond?

  Rieger No, I could not.

  Dick (reading) And could you offer an opinion as to why you won’t tell us why you won’t comment on why –

  Monika Oh, for Christ’s sake, she’s already come back to him!

  Irena Someone has to be here to make sure he doesn’t sign anything else. (To Rieger.) Bumblebees?

  Bob approaches Dick and whispers something in his ear. Dick nods. Offstage, the sound of a chainsaw and a falling tree. Oswald and Hanuš finish what they are doing. Hanuš sits down on one of the suitcases.

  Oswald (to Hanuš) There was a time when they sent dried cherries by the cartload to Charkov.

  Oswald takes a bottle out of the case of beer, opens it, drinks from it, and then carries it off to the gazebo and sits down in a way that makes him virtually invisible. Dick turns back to Rieger.

  Dick And something else, Dr Rieger. Is it true that you’re thinking of accepting a position as advisor –

  Knobloch hurries up with his rake, waving a copy of The Keyhole.

  Knobloch (reading) ‘Former Chancellor refuses to leave government residence!’

  Dick – of accepting a position of advisor to the advisor –

  Knobloch (reading) ‘Vice-Prime Minister Klein intends to convert the former government villa into a place for use by the general public. But its former occupant, the former Chancellor, Vilem Rieger, is complicating matters by refusing to move out.’

  Dick – of accepting a position as advisor to the advisor to the advisor to the advisor to the advisor of the new Chancellor?

  Klein I’m the Vice-Prime Minister, not the Chancellor. At least not yet.

  Klein laughs for a long time. Oswald has fallen asleep in the gazebo. Knobloch exits, taking The Keyhole with him. A horse whinnies offstage, followed by the sound of a chainsaw and a falling tree. A brief, tense pause ensues. Everyone looks expectantly at Rieger. Dick is making notes on his shabby piece of paper. Bob takes the occasional photo. Klein, with a push from Victor, swings gently on the swing. Rieger takes out the hat with ‘I Love You’ on it and ceremoniously places it on his head.

  Rieger (to Dick) Now look here, sir. The first thing a man must do is ask himself what he thinks the most important things in life are. In my case, there are only two possibilities. The first is that from here on in my life will feed off what went before. I will constantly reminisce about the past, returning to it over and over again, analysing it, explaining it, defending it, comparing it again and again to what exists now, in the present, persuading myself just how much better everything was back then. In other words, I could easily become completely obsessed with my own footprint in history, my past achievements, my legacy, and all the little monuments I have left behind me on my way through the world.

  The sound of a chainsaw and a falling tree offstage. Vlasta enters from the villa with Albín. Albín is dressed normally, but he has a beige blanket around his shoulders. Both of them stop to listen to Rieger.

  But if I took this attitude, I would ultimately be reduced to an obscure figure on the margins of history, capable only of tarnishing the reputation of others, of reminding others of all the famous people I once knew, bitterly belittling everything that came after me.

  A horse whinnies offstage.

  And the outcome? Everyone would think I was just a vain and embittered old man who thumbed his nose at a generous offer to contribute his experience to the service of his country. That, sir, is the first choice that lies before me. But there is another as well.

  Hanuš Excuse me, Vilem, but if you ever need me for anything, you know where to find me.

  Rieger Thank you for everything, Hanuš, but I have the impression that it would be better, not just for me, but ultimately for yourself as well, if we were not always seen together, in each other’s company, like a couple of Siamese twins.

  Hanuš Well – goodbye, then.

  Hanuš strokes the bust of Gandhi on the head and exits.

  Rieger (to Dick) But there is a second choice before me: to demonstrate clearly to everyone that serving my country is of greater importance to me than my personal prestige. I have been guided by that principle, sir, all my life and I don’t see why I should back away from it now just because of the trivial concern that I would, officially, hold a somewhat inferior position to the one I have held for so long.

  The sound of a chainsaw and a falling tree is heard.

  After all, what a man does, in real terms, for his fellow man, and what kind of real influence he has, is more important than the position or the title he holds. We are living, sir, in a democracy, and in a democracy it is quite normal and common for people to hold certain positions, and then leave them again. Am I not right about that, Patrick?

  Klein Sometimes that’s the way it is.

  Irena Vilem –

  Rieger What is it, darling?

  Irena You’re lying to yourself, more than you have to, and more than I can bear. I’d happily help you spread manure in the village, and eat bumble – I mean humble – pie if I thought that you had a backbone and I had a reason to respect you. I’m leaving. I’m leaving for good. You can look for the clothes pegs yourself, wrap a blanket round you yourself, make your own hot toddies. Or you can get Weissenmütelhofová to do it all for you. Come on, Monika. We’re leaving.

  Irena steps up to Rieger sharply and sweeps the cap with ‘I Love You’ on it off his head, tosses it away, grabs two large suitcases, and exits. Monika takes one suitcase and exits as well.

  Rieger She’ll be back. She’s always come back before.

  The Voice I don’t know whether it’s better to have Irena come back again, or to have her leave Rieger for good. Whichever it is, it would have to happen, or at least something should tell us it will happen, within the play itself, which means now, or in the next
few minutes. When the play ends, it’s all over. The play’s world ends when the play ends, and all that remains is our impression, our interpretation, our memories, our joy, or our boredom. But I don’t want to hold things up while I make up my mind, either. So, I’ll leave the matter open. I won’t be the first author, nor the last, who left things open-ended, not because he intended to, but simply because he didn’t know what else to do.

  A horse whinnies offstage.

  Rieger And something else, sir. Please be aware that the very fact that civilisation is now global has boundless consequences in the sphere of politics as well. One of them is the burgeoning influence of experts, of specialists, of people with specific knowledge, because it is increasingly difficult for a top politician to know everything or have an opinion about everything. As a result, the influence and the importance of advisors is growing every day, along with the dependence of politicians upon them.

  Offstage, the sound of a chainsaw and a falling tree.

  After all, who does the math when it comes to lowering taxes? Who decides how many thousands of bureaucrats have to be fired to make room for less government? Who decides how many fighter planes offered for sale by General Gambacci’s aunt are needed to make this country a safe place? The advisors, that’s who. And how do the advisors know with any certainty what’s what? Why, they get it from their advisors! I dare say, sir, that as the advisor to an advisor, I may well have a greater influence on the realisation of my ideals than I had when I was Chancellor, which burdened me with so many purely ceremonial duties, often to the detriment of my abilityto ensure that the individual was really at the centre of my politics.

  A horse whinnies offstage. Bob again whispers something to Dick.

  Dick Does your change of attitude toward the new leadership have anything to do with your midnight interrogation, and with some of the archival material that young Miss Gambacci’s commission unearthed?

  Rieger As for the interrogation, as you call it, it involved no more than providing a standard explanation. And the archival material, as you call it? They were no more than standard forgeries. But that’s not important. What is important is that at this moment I wish to serve my country where my country at this moment in time most needs my help and where I can best be of service to it. Politics is service. We want well-rounded families. Long live growth! It’s all about the future. Blow wind, and crack your cheeks! The world is a great stage of fools! My trousers are slipping down! Check!